Tuesday, August 3, 2010

You and Forever and Me

That's a quote from a Little Texas song.  Yes, a country song.  From something like 1990 or around there.

I've got a lot on my mind and I need to spill.

  1. My first love.   I was 19 the first time I fell in love.  The guy was this tall skinny dude with the shape of a microphone stand and thick long curly brown hair the shade of maple and this mustache that looked like a cat had died on his face.  He had the most hypnotic eyes ever. He wore three piece suites and was a musician that could play anything.  But the piano was his gift. We had always run in the same circle in high school, but I was not formally introduced to him until my last year of high school.  1992.  Bram Stoker's Dracula had just come out, and he looked just like Gary Oldman.   Our friendship was always artistically driven.  I was head over heels for him, everyone knew it, but I did nothing about it.  I told myself I was not in his league and set him up with a close friend of mine instead.  But he and I lasted as friends for 3 years till my last year of college.  It never went beyond that. Of course I'm talking about Mr. B.  We somehow knew when the other was in the building without having to look.  It was all very Highlander.  My first real business partner too you could say, as he worked with me on numerous writing and film projects. My first real love.  Intellectually speaking.   Love of Mind.
  2. My second love was at age 29. The Trainwreck.   Tall, skinny guy with messy dark hair and a goatee. There had been more boyfriends/lovers then I am willing to count right now between them,  but Trainwreck was the first time I felt like I'd "fallen in love"   I actually believed he was the "one"  because he got all blushy and stammered when he was around me that first night we met.  But somehow I knew he was wrong for me, the first night we slept together.  I had taken a photo of him stretched out on my sofa and thought "so that's what mom saw the first time she met dad"   yeah not the best thing to be thinking before jumping into bed with someone new. Another musician/actor.  I had dreams of the end of our relationship a few days before he walked out on me.  I have never been so destroyed before or since. With him it was all physical. There was no respect, no real interest from him. I found out too late that he liked my bed more then me.  My second real love.  Love of Body
  3. My third love was at age 32. Again, more shameful mistakes between Love #2 and Love #3.  this was Dargo.  Large man, with long dyed hair, blue eyes, full beard down to his chest, and a single dad. Also an actor/musician. Physically not my type at all. We were both on similar spiritual paths though, and both had a background in media.  I hated him when I first started chatting with him.  He found my profile on Myspace (old account) and kept sending me messages.  when we actually met, I was just thinking the sooner he showed up the sooner I could make an excuse and leave.  He walked into the coffee shop and I fell hard.  Dropped my little digital camera into his coffee he made me that nervous. After my car accident I was sitting there looking at my broken thumb and thinking "he's not my one. he's not the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with"   and I was good with that knowledge.  The relationship was what it was and it was great for the time we had together.  What it was ,was spiritual.  For the first time ever, I'd met a man who thought and believed the way I do.  I was totally in his league.  My third love. Love of Soul.
My parents met when they were teenagers.  Mom was 17 and dad was 16.  They got married when they were in their early 20's,  mom was 23 and dad was 22.  They had me when mom was 24. It was a marriage that should never have happened. Or at lest from everything I've seen in my life,  it's one that should not have continued. 

My dad is 6'2 with dark hair and dark eyes.  Well, he's grey now but, and normally weighs in around 240 pounds. He's Dutch.  His dad was half Dutch half German and his mom was half Indonesian half South African. 

My parents were separated in 1997. 

I spent the first 26 years of my life being told how worthless I was by my dad and his family.  Being told how ugly and stupid and untalented I was.
I've spent the last ten years trying to get over that. And ending up in relationship after relationship with men who have not cared about me in the slightest.  With men who have not even been attracted to me. With men who  had the same personality traits like my dad.

Everyone told me that I'd finally picked a good one with King Dork.   It's funny when you think of it.  Complete opposite of any of the guys I've fallen for before, and nothing like my dad.  Or so I thought till today.
Dark hair, dark eyes, quiet type. Poet. Fairly big reader, and  painter.  (yes finally an artist!) and a musician who jumps from one relationship to another without any down time.  Huh.  He had to be a musician didn't he?
Everyone had me believing he cared.  I started to believe it. Ends up, once again I was wrong.  Never totally sure if he thought of me as anything.

Trusting your instincts is suppose to be the most natural thing in the world.  Not so for me.  I've messed up every time.  
My instincts have been to run away from the type of man my dad was.  But in the end, I keep having been drawn to them.  I always thought that the reason they were bad guys was the jobs they had all having been musicians and actors.  I do mean ALL.  Jobs that had them traveling all the time just like my dad, jobs that let them drink all the time just like my dad, jobs that easily let them miss holidays and important dates, just like my dad.

I got a call today saying that my dad is dying of cancer. Out of the blue and that he's been taking chemotherapy but it's not working. 

This is a man who told me more then once that I was not wanted, that he wished I'd never been born and that I destroyed his dreams.  This is the man who 's single handedly coloured my view of men for the whole of my life.

My mom wants me to go see him. Will seeing him fix anything? Will it improve my future relationships? Will it improve me?
In the last ten years he's never once called or stopped by to see me.  Not once. 

I've tried countless of times to love men who do not love me.  Who do not want me in their lives.  I've always followed my gut, my intuition and it's been wrong every single time.   My gut is telling me to NOT go to NOT see him.  To NOT give this man any more of my tears or time.

So I've had 3 big loves in my life. Mind, Body and Soul.   Which could only mean the next guy, the next big love will be the ONE.  The guy who has all three important elements and he'll respect me as much as I respect him.
And I am guessing he won't come into my life till after this issue with my dad is healed.

 If King Dork is reading this, and I am sure at some point he is,  sorry I disappointed you. 
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