Sunday, August 22, 2010

Why do we fear what we want most

I used to swear up and down I would never be married. I believed that only the stupidest of women would ever let a man chain her down to such a medieval idea.

Then I turned 27.  I literally woke up one morning and knew that was all I wanted in this life.  And suddenly, everywhere I turned I found myself surrounded by married couples.  My own love life started to take a massive upswing.  True I was still only meeting asswipes, but I was meeting a lot more of them.

Here I am 9 years later and still single.  Now, is that because I feared for so long the idea of marriage that I set myself up for destruction?  Could be, as we manifest what we put our energy into.

A few weeks ago, I literally woke up and wanted a baby.  Another thing I have been saying all my life is a waste of time.   But here I am dreaming about a little boy with pale skin and dark eyes running around acting like a superhero.  Why is that?  Hormones? Age? Maybe both. 

I want a family.  I want what I never had growing up, unconditional love.  Sad as it seems.  Yes it's funny and ironic coming from me, the women who's first blog post ever was about how having kids was not the only reason a woman is on this planet.  Laugh it up just don't hurt yourself.

But why do we fear what we want the most?  Is it rejection, failure or something deeper? 
A select few on this planet know that I had a miscarriage when I was 30.  I was having some other health issues and went in for procedure.  When it was over the nurse asked me if I had known I was pregnant.  No, I would never have had the internal procedure done if I had known.  You know what thought ran through my mind after she told me,  not what it should have been, but how I was going to tell my then boyfriend.  Would he be happy?  He had talked about kids more then once and how he loved his roomate's kids.  I told him and he left. That was it. Gone. I never had the chance to make up my mind if I wanted to keep it, it decided it did not want to keep me.
Images of a little boy with brown eyes and brown hair still haunt me some nights.
I saw that exboyfriend after my car accident coming out of the maternity ward with some other woman.  I've heard he has a few kids now.

They say what we fear most is what we are meant to be doing. What we are destined to live.
Believe it or not, I fear being seen.  That someone will actually be reading this blog and pay attention. Maybe that's why I litter it so much with nonsense and doodads.  Fill the empty space with screen shots of my favourite wrestlers and no one will take me seriously.  Then if no one takes me seriously I never have to be responsible for anything. 

Christ the truth hurts