Saturday, August 28, 2010

What's in a name

I know that two ex boyfriends and one former lover read my stuff. *Freud* Hang on, I'm taking you back through another Eat Pray Love moment. In the book there is a character who Liz meets at the Ashram in India, who starts calling her "Groceries". Harmless name.
I could not get this out of my head last night when I went to bed. That whole segment is at the point in her life when she was learning forgiveness. Forgiveness for those around her and for herself.

I swear some days the only thing keeping me breathing is my anger. I also know my life will never improve if I don't get over it. Completely.

Where am I going with this you are asking.
Trainwreck. King Dork.

Two men that turned my world upside down and STILL have this massive effect on me. Why?
Simple, I let them. I did not get it till now. I chose those names for a few reasons, 1) When I started blogging nearly 7 years ago (right after the end of my relationship with Trainwreck) I wanted to sound like Sex and the City 2) That's how I felt, still feel about him/them. Like they are larger then life.

By giving them such "heavy duty" names, I have been giving them all this power. And each time I wrote those names, I made myself feel less worthy. Less important in my own life. Less like I mattered.

dude I hope you have a coffee cause it's getting serious this early in the morning.

Trainwreck. Yes, he was a big love, maybe the biggest. The guy was also a massive asshole. Just hearing someone talk about him in a coffee shop still sends me into a panic and makes me want to throw things. But he is just a man. Nothing special. Musician, dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, video game junkie. He was a Pisces, a water sign. That right there should have warned me off that he was wrong for me, as I'm an Aries -a fire sign. So by giving him a new name... Mr. Fishiness. I take back the power you have over me. (Anyone else feel like watching David Bowie in Labyrinth now? "You have no power over me") Much less impactful a name, Mr.Fishiness.

King Dork. Not even a full out lover. Why have I given him so much importance all this time? Have I mentioned that he shares traits with Mr. Fishiness? Musician, dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, video game junkie, (You see my main pattern here) Yes he did have some other good traits that I was looking for in a guy (big reader, painter) But once again, just a man. Neither of these men know how to be alone. It's not because they are so hot either, they just can not survive by themselves. In this case, Erin's husband pointed that out to me, she got herself a great one. King Dork not so much the big man on campus he wants to believe he is, so new name... Lad. Just an overgrown six year old really. Wow, that really takes the wind out of the sails on him doesn't it?. Right quick too.

Yes I know, I got played by both these guys. Like a red violin I got played. But I let it happen. Way too eagerly I let them. No more sweeping the mess under the rug. Mr. Fishiness was the reason I stopped going to bars here in town. That was back in 2004 right after the end of the relationship. I was afraid to bump into him. Which is really sad considering my Uncle owns a bar.
Okay so that is one of my goals for the end of the year, as I said back in the beginning of 2010 that this was a year of getting over my fears, before Dec 31st I need to go to the bar.