Thursday, September 16, 2010

I was asked to share

my Break Through story;  by Eric Shay,  one of the guys who was brave enough to be in the movie.  Only, I'm not sure where to start. 
If you have been reading me over the course of the last few years,  and I know there are a few who have followed from one blog to the other (thank you for your patience, and if you happen to catch this post; normal doesn't really exist) then you figured out the last blog was me dealing with my past relationships- and you most likely figured it out long before I wised up to the fact- then you also know this blog has somehow become me dealing with the core issues, again most likely before I even wised up to it.

I recommend this movie Break Through  no matter who you are, you will find a piece of yourself in it, for better or worse. 

One of the things the movie has to say, is that when you fear failure you seek success, when you fear being invisible you seek attention. 
Maybe I do not fear failure but I do very much fear being invisible.  Being forgotten, being left behind. Being unloved. 
My biggest fear.  Being unloved.  And I know full well where that comes from.  From a lifetime of being flat out told I was not good enough. From having a disability that left me out of things my friends and family were able to do (parties, dance lessons, hockey, skating, etc)
This is not the only "break through"  I have had in the last few months.  Not by a long shot. There were four main personality types drawn out in this film, and I identified with all of them.  Yeah, I've got a lot to work through still.

My novel has become the playground for a lot of these issues, other then this here bloggy-blog.

They say you send out what you want the most.  You project onto others your biggest fears and desires. Oh hell yeah I've done that, a lot. Always towards men.  Always.  That's because once again, my core issues have to do with the men in my family. Of which, most I have spilled already on the blogs.  The oddity, I don't really know how to communicate properly with men.  Not much of a shocker there is it. I react without thinking.  I'm a total Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility.  I give all of me, to them and then don't understand why they don't return the favour.

This was suppose to be my post about my "break through"  and yet I feel another weeping woman moment coming on... of which I have many.  My sister told me I need to have a tougher skin when it comes to people's comments.  Totally true, totally true. 
I learned recently, and not from the movie but from... well you know who.... that if I am going to dish it I have to be able to take it.  So far I haven't been able to.  I got overly childish when it was dished back at me.
Well, I suppose it is still part of the break through moment, as if I want to be "seen" by men, then when I am, good or bad, I need to be able to accept what they see in me. 


And what he saw in me wasn't what I was hoping.  I have never made a bigger shithead out of myself with anyone, but here's me hitting the rewind button... I can not seem to say the right thing when it comes to him.

As for my break through moment, this might not be totally what Eric, Jaimes and Michal are looking for but it's where I am right now.
Admitting my biggest fault, biggest fear, and ironically feeling like a failure.  Jaimes had us stand up at one point and talk about self sabotage, and when it was my turn, I froze.  I knew full well what my issues are and yet, I ended up stammering and blushing unable to do anything but look at the rug.

How to wrap this up... messily would be the answer, with duct tape and butcher paper. 

I can not communicate proper with men, yet I seek their attention. Then freak out when I actually get it.