Thursday, September 2, 2010

How badly do I want this?


Why do you want these things?   I was asked by one of the Life Coaches. 
Why do you want to be married?  Why do you want a career as a writer?   Why do you want to move?

I want to move because my landlord is unwilling to pay for the upkeep of the building and he's raised the rent to the point I can't pay my other bills.  If I pay the rent and hydro I can't pay my phone and internet and buy groceries.  It's one or the other every month.  I have no choice I need to move.
And this city is not for anyone under the age of 65. Honest,  Thunder Bay is a seniors retirement city. Even with the university and college, the only people under 65 that do well here are medical staff.  We have a brilliant medical program and our hospital is one of the top in Canada.
But for anyone else,  this city is a dump.  Just a black hole of negativity. 

I want to be a writer because it's all I know.  My health has limited what I am able to do with my life, and writing is the only thing I have wanted steadily since I was 3.  Other career ideas/desires have come and gone but writing has been the only continuing thing. The idea of having my own magazine still sparks sometimes but that does come under the writing category too. And it's only been two weeks, but I am already missing doing my weekly TNA reviews.

I want to be married because.... because... I am not sure I do anymore.  To be honest, I am not sure why I ever did.  I want to know someone loves me as deeply as I do them. I want a faithful commitment from someone, the ONE. The guy who is my soulmate. A big part of why I decided 9 years ago that I wanted to be married was to prove my family wrong.  Drenny reason to want a husband when you think about it.  The idea that my dad, uncle, mom even and sister, and even my two oldest friends, always saying that I wasn't pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough to have a husband, or keep one  drove me to wanting one more then anything else. 
So apart from proving my family wrong,  having a ring and a name change isn't what I want.  
Having a loving solid committed relationship is.

I never wanted a baby. That's just the pressure of having hit 36 this past birthday creeping up on me. That would be a big big big mistake. Huge.

The other career option that I would love,  getting my production company hardcore Vamps Prods.,  truly up and running would be ideal.  That was something I started with my friend from Edmonton back when we were in high school in 1992, and something I still cling to even now.  All the productions I do online.